“It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.” – Mahatma Gandhi
I must have written this a million times now and nothing I wrote seemed to make any sense to me. I started off with an explanation of how I got here, but I don’t owe anyone any explanations. I started over with an apology, but I don’t owe anyone any apologies. I think I’m passed the shock now. The pain, still there. The anger, starting to set in. There’s no point in asking why because I know that question can never be answered. I know one thing is for sure, I wasn’t going to allow this to define who I am.
I. Have. Cancer. I never in a million years thought I would be saying those words. I have cancer. Yes, I’m fcuking scared. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. The denial is definitely there, parts of me hoping the results were a false positive. Who knows, maybe after I see the oncologist tomorrow, he’ll tell me it was a joke and they were just kidding. Wishful thinking.
Nothing in life can ever prepare anyone for this. I still don’t know much, other than the biopsy confirmed it was cancer. I just know that there seemed to be a sense of urgency in my doctor’s voice as he delivered the results to me over the phone. It was not comforting.
Am I sad? What kind of monster would I be if I said I wasn’t? Am I sad for myself? No. I’m sad because I know that this will have an emotional toll on my husband and my kids. I’m sad because this doesn’t only affect me, but those who are around me. I’m sad thinking about the burden this will be on others. I’m sad because I don’t know if I have the kind of strength they say I have to hold it all together.
Because behind closed doors, I’m slowly falling apart.
Everything is still doom and gloom. I’m hoping that after seeing my oncologist on Monday, we will know more about what’s happening and prepare accordingly. I have to remain an optimist. I know it’s going to be a battle, but I’m not giving up without a fight. And maybe, just maybe, the battle will be a small one and an easy win.
I’m lucky to have such an amazing husband and children. I know it’s through them I will find the strength to get through this.
I’m strong. I’m resilient. I’m a fighter.
I’ve got this. ♥️