“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”
I never thought that the hardest part of my journey to healing would be forgiveness. Forgiving is easy, but forgetting is harder. I am learning that one without the other is impossible. For me at least. I’ve learned a lot of hard lessons throughout my life. Some voluntarily, many involuntarily. I just want to let go.
“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them”
― Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried
But how? I’m realizing that this road is going to be rockier and longer than I thought. I know I’ll be a better person after this. I just have to find the energy and strength to get there. It is definitely easier said than done. I’m starting to reflect on all the things I try to teach my children whilst instilling those lessons in myself.
I’ve been a bit obsessed with making rainbows lately. I’ve been doodling rainbows on my iPad and making rainbow macrame. Maybe it’s part of my healing process because it has been giving me some solace. I never thought about how therapeutic macrame is until I started doing it. Everyone is getting a rainbow macrame from me this year for their birthday because I don’t know what I’m going to do with all of these when I’m done making them.
Yes, I need to make peace with myself before I can make peace with others. And if making rainbows is what’s going to get me through it, then let there be rainbows. Ironically, there just happens to be a rainbow shining through the kids playroom this morning. It’s a sign.
Anyways, I’m still working on setting aside time to blog. I just wanted to hop on here today to say hello! And let you all know I’m still here. Hey! Hello! Hi! Still trying to figure things out. My to-do list is getting long, but my motivation is lacking on the actual “do” side. I keep saying “it’s only January, I’ve got plenty of time!” Next thing I know it will be 2021. I should really get started. LOL!
I’ve been having some serious cabin fever lately. I haven’t really left my house in the past couple of days other than to drop my kids off at school and help their art teacher with their Andy Warhol project last Wednesday. I’ll have to take some pictures once it’s all up and post them for you all to see. My daughter and I plan on visiting The Art Institute of Chicago to see the Andy Warhol exhibit before it ends this week. We can’t wait for our mommy/daughter date.
Well, I guess I should start doing my Sunday cleaning or continue watching The Witcher on Netflix. I’ve literally had to watch episodes 1 and 2 three times to finally understand what was happening. I digress.
In the meantime, if you are having a tough time forgiving and letting go, make rainbows. Because somewhere over the rainbow...troubles melt like lemon drops.