“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” – Brené Brown
Week 2 of the new year is almost coming to an end and I haven’t quit on you guys yet! I wanted to, but what kind of example would I be setting for my kids if I did. I was up late last night with so much on my mind. I wrote a really long post, but decided to delete it and start over. I shouldn’t blog when I’m under an extreme amount of emotional stress. I just kept thinking “f*ck the world” to myself all night and I really didn’t want to go down that path.
I realized that I have spent the past couple of decades stuck because I’ve been so angry. I’ve allowed that anger to consume me and after reading what I wrote last night, I’m finally taking responsibility for my life. I have spent so much time blaming others for being responsible for the hurt I have felt, for the decisions I made because I felt there were no other choices, and for the endless tears I cried over the years. I gave certain people more power over me than they deserve and it took a panic attack last night for me to say enough. My heart is ready to heal and I no longer want to be this person who has become so cold, so bitter, and so engrossed in so much negative energy. While I decided not to make any goals this year, I did decide, that moving forward, I am going to live my life with intention.
in·ten·tion/inˈten(t)SH(ə)n/noun 1. a thing intended; an aim or plan. 2. MEDICINE the healing process of a wound.
This new decade, for me, is going to be about healing, rediscovering, and acceptance. But first and foremost, forgiveness. I know this journey is not going to be easy and it certainly will not happen overnight. I may fall off course a few times, but I’m not going to give up.
My kids and I were watching the latest episode of High School Musical: The Musical on Disney+ last night. The lyrics to one of the songs performed by Julia Lester as Ms. Darbus really resonated with me. The song was called “Wondering” an original song by songwriters, Josh Cumbee and Jordan Powers.
“If I could go back and change the past//Be a little braver than I had//And bet against the odds//Would I still be lost?//Even if I woke up in my dreams//Would there still be something I’m missing?//If I had everything, would it mean anything to me?”
These lyrics really made me reflect deeper than I have ever allowed myself to. Amazing the lessons you learn while watching programming meant for kids. We could certainly learn a lot from our kids. I know I’ve learned a lot about myself through raising them. All the while they think it’s me who is teaching them. We’ve had our share of ups and downs. We’re not a perfect family, but I know we’re all in this together. (see what I just did there?)
These 3 humans are my everything. The reason why it’s time to change my perspective in life. I need to take care of my mental health so that I can be present for them every single day. I know there were plenty of times, more than I would have liked and more than I care to admit, where I made them feel alone because I just couldn’t be there for them emotionally. I was too absorbed with my own emotions that it was so hard for me to be there for them. This essentially turned into frustration, anger, and fear. All of which I’ve tried so hard not to make them feel and failed miserably in doing. I can’t take away those moments I became a “monster” to them, but I can promise that moving forward I am going to do better. Not try, DO. Because I don’t ever want them to be afraid to come to me when they need me. No matter how big or small, happy or sad, I want them to know that I will always be here for them to listen without judgement, to hold their hand when they need a little reassurance, to stand silently with them when all they need is to let out a good cry, to help bury a body if they commit murder (JOKING!). But really, I need them to know that when the going gets tough, I’m here. And words without action are just words.
So I’m living the rest of my life with intention. And if at some point you feel you need to do the same, do it. I’m not an expert in anything, but if what I am going through helps you with whatever you’re going through, then I’m accomplishing exactly what I want with this blog. I’m just living life one lesson at a time too. We can learn together.